When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
