I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
