She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
