i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
