Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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