New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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