can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
