This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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