I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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