Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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