He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
