why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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