Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
