Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
