my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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