I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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