I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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