I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
