my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
