Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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