I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
