I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my being single is dangerous.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
