i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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