Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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