Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
