I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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