every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
