I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
