Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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