I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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