Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
