Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
