your parents love me but you hate me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
