Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
