I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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