I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
