At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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