I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
