Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
