how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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