she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
