We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
