People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
