dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Vodka?
Forever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
