dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
