My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
