dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
