Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
it hurts more in the daytime
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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