remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
