God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
