Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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