That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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