Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
this just has baby written all over it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
