I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
