It's Friday. Sex?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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